‘I thought I’d killed someone’ BBC Stories

I lie on my bed and think I’ve killed
someone, and I can lie
on my bed for three months at a time,
four months at a time.
The realisation that I actually
haven’t done anything
can come up to six,
seven months later.
Connor has battled for a long time
with his condition.
And there comes a point where
how long can you battle, you know, how long can you fight these intrusive thoughts.
Well the outcome of OCD if
it’s left untreated varies.
But for most people it will
become a chronic condition
and it could go on for many years to come if you don’t do anything about it.
The feedback that we’ve had from patients is that it has changed their life.
It is available in the NHS as well as private, but this is for only depression disorder.
I’m doing this film primarily to raise
awareness for people with OCD
especially men, that may think talking
out makes them less of a man
and I think that’s completely the opposite.
I think talking out makes you stronger.
I feel like this is the only option I’ve got left.
I’m just living, just living an existence. It’s not a life to live.
As a child, very…
to me he was unique.
A little different to the others.
I revert to the occasion when
he was going to get confirmed
and he wouldn’t because he said “I’m a bad person, I’m not good enough to be confirmed”
so he knew at that time perhaps the
intrusive thoughts he was experiencing.
The first time I remember having it
I was about four years old.
It’s just progressively got
worse as I’ve got older
to the point now where
it’s just unbearable really.
Obsessive compulsive disorder
is an anxiety disorder
and that means it consists of
both obsessions and compulsions.
So an obsession is an intrusive
thought or image or
sensation, urge which is extremely
distressing to the individual.
They reflect usually the person’s values. So if you’re a person who is generally
peace loving and want to be able to help people in the world, then you tend to get
intrusive violent thoughts.
I get these thoughts
every minute of every day.
So they primarily revolve around death
or they could be sexual, or
they could be violent.
It’s about me being a bad person, and how much I don’t want be a bad person.
In this picture here this is sort
of around the age
I think that the OCD was
taking a hold of his life.
He’d come into my room and he’d talk about this incident that he thought had happened
which obviously hadn’t happened,
and it was no matter how I reassured him
in his head it had escalated and
become something that it wasn’t.
So my first girlfriend, I remember we
were waiting for the bus
and there were some bushes at
the back of the bus stop
and I remember I got this intrusive thought
about people getting sexually assaulted in bushes and stuff like that.
And then obviously my girlfriend was next to me so I started panicking
thinking like “why would I think that when I’m with my girlfriend?” kind of thing
and I just burst out crying.
These sorts of thoughts are of course extremely shameful
to the individual with OCD.
And it’s the things that they would hate to happen worst of all.
People hopefully will not take Connor’s intrusive thoughts as Connor.
They are something that he
doesn’t want in his life.
Otherwise he wouldn’t
be striving to erase them.
When I get the thoughts
the anxiety makes me panic.
I’ll get headaches, I’ll get dizzy.
Every time I bat off a thought it’ll come back and the intensity will be a little bit higher
and then I’ll bat that off and it’ll get a little bit higher, and I’ll bat that one off and
the intensity just goes up and up and up, to the point where I just can’t cope with it.
The other flipside to obsessions is the compulsions and these are
things which have to be
done over and over again.
they know that this is senseless and absurd. But because they are full of doubts they
believe well it could happen and
I’ve got a sense of responsibility
that I do not want it to happen.
The key compulsions for me are, I get my phone out and I’ll record my every move.
So in my car I’ve got a dash camera
in the front which records
a 180 degrees so it gets pretty
much both sides of the car.
When I’ve got my phone camera I’m always recording my other hand
so when I leave the house I know I haven’t hit anyone with this hand.
So what have you been up to today lad?
Not much, just making some tunes.
That’s the bottom melody, that’s the middle melody, that’s the top melody.
When do you reckon your
first track will be released?
Soon hopefully.
Ahh, man.
The last family holiday we went
on all together
I think it was about three or four years ago.
We all went on this night out and he was convinced something bad happened
We were all sitting outside the nightclub and one of the reps said to me
that I’d done some sexual stuff
with him in the toilets.
And then he said “I’m only joking”.
After that, once we’d flown home, and then my girlfriend came to visit me.
She could tell something wasn’t right.
then about 10, 20 minutes later I just
cracked, burst out crying.
Although I was there on the night out with him and I reassured him that nothing
bad happened, he genuinely believed, there was no telling him otherwise.
So I flew to Spain
unfortunately when I got to the nightclub the owner said they don’t have CCTV.
I went to the hotel where the reps were staying and they were all like
“Connor, he’s just joking” and the guy himself said he’s just joking
then I just went to sleep on a bench that night slept for about six or seven hours
and then flew back home the next day.
My girlfriend left me.
I’d only been told about this sort of level of depression that you can get to
through my mum, but this time
I witnessed it for myself.
Yeah I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone
really to be honest.
He can’t live a normal life.
He’s our son, we support him, but he feels guilt for that. That he can’t pay
his own way. But he can’t, he physically can’t. You know he’s had jobs over the years
but he can’t get himself to work and he can’t get himself home from work.
I’d be driving there and then I think I’d hit someone, and hit a pothole
and then my mind would think that’s a person
so I’d have to drive back to that pothole, check
and I’d just be doing that for two or three hours, two or three hours
and I’d be knackered and I’d have to fill my petrol up in the car.
For the past year that I haven’t
been able to leave the house
just living an existence really in my bedroom.
Connor is a very caring soul, heart of gold, cares a lot about his family.
At every assessment Connor has we go through the questions:
“Have you thought about suicide?”
“Have you thought about how
you would take your life?”
“Would you ever carry out that act?”
and his answer’s always been “no” because of the impact on the rest of his family.
I’m very, very proud of the way he’s coped with his condition because
as a mum you’re supposed to be able to like
kiss it better or put a plaster on it,
but you can’t.
You can’t see it.
So I have 200mg of Sertraline every morning when I get up and they’re supposed to
lessen the compulsions of OCD, but to me I don’t think they really work.
In the evening at about 10 o’clock before I go to bed I’ll have Olanzapine
just a small amount of anti-psychotics.
They help me sleep and they’re supposed to lessen the symptoms of OCD as well
but I don’t really notice any difference, they just make me really docile.
He had an assessment with the early intervention psychosis team.
They commented on the extent of
Connor’s OCD that really he was
one of the worst cases that they had.
How are you today?
I’m good, thank you.
Great, would you like to come in?
TMS is also known as Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and it’s a non-invasive
procedure where electrical magnet is
stimulating nerve cells in the brain
which can either inhibit or
exhibit neuron activity
Are you relaxed? Brilliant.
So because of the overthinking and intrusive thoughts that OCD patients experience
the TMS machine dampens down those thoughts and those feelings
so it inhibits and it decreases
the overactive communication
with the neurons in that region of the brain.
I just searched into Google: ‘I cured my OCD’
and it came up with an article of a guy who had TMS and he had severe
intrusive OCD thoughts and
he said that his head was empty.
TMS is available on the NHS as well as private. But this is for only depression disorder.
So with OCD when people do come in they start off firstly with a prescribed session
for up to 10 sessions, and that’s when you would know if you are responding to TMS.
Each session costs £200 and
a standard OCD patient
can go up to 30 sessions.
I worry about what he’s going to do when mum and dad can’t look after him.
What path this OCD and this condition is going to take him down.
At the moment I’m just living
just living an existence, it’s not a life to live
and if this doesn’t work I’ve always said to
mum, I’ve said there’s not really any point in
me being on the Earth
because I’m not living a life
I’d rather be asleep kind of thing.
If Connor could have this treatment, I would hope for a joyful future.
One where he can feel the happiness that I do.
What would be the first thing you did?
Go surfing.
Go surfing?
Go to Asia and just go surfing I think yeah.
That freedom to live and to not constantly have to check everything that you’ve done.
Not have to film every movement you make, you know it will be liberating, won’t it?
It would mean the world to me if it works. I’ be able to travel the world
work full time, make my own money.
Get my own place.
Maybe be able to get a girlfriend
again and not lose her
because of the negative thoughts.
Just live a normal life
like everyone else really.
That would be a miracle.

20 thoughts on “‘I thought I’d killed someone’ BBC Stories

  1. Just be strong. God will help you get through it. Me too had experiencing OCD but it's not that severe so I'm trying as far as I can to cure it first on my own and also by sharing to others what I am going through so that they also can help me. I am still trying to control myself from doing something again and again. And sometimes checking and doing things that I don't like to do but I have to, just because I feel like there is something bad that will happen if I will not do it. So I am hoping that you will get through it same with me. God Bless you always and your Family Connor

  2. For anyone struggling with mental health issues, please reach out for professional help and don't give up. I know that sometimes resources are limited and some types of treatment might not work for everyone, but please keep trying. There are people who can help.

  3. I believe these intrusive thoughts have a purpose, they need to be analysed. All the focus is being placed on shooing them away, and the more focus is placed on (stopping) them the stronger they get. If their true nature is analysed, and the reason behind these thoughts is understood, they can be accepted, calmed down and eventually their impact reduced. I have my own theory about this particular scenario. It completely makes sense to me but might not be everyone's cup of tea. I empathise with Connor and hope he is able to break through these intrinsic thoughts and live his life fully and completely.

  4. I wonder if he is reliving something from a past life x I have often had dreams where I have hidden a body and am afraid the people around me will find it ( I haven't killed anyone of course!). The dreams are so strong and feel so real. I would love to have a past life regression or any kind of hypnosis for this. I am a middle aged, balanced and worldly wise, confident person so i don't feel that it's just my inner fears at work. I really do believe it is something from my deep past. Hope this helps xxx

  5. No one is responsible for another. The one who values life and the ones who don't sometimes helps commercials exploit.

  6. I'm living something of a half-life myself due to GAD with some elements of OCD. I feel a great deal of empathy for Connor. I know if I were the subject of such a video, I would check the comments, so if you can see this, you're not alone and from one guy that wants to be able to live a normal life to another guy with the same desire, it's inspirational you were brave enough to share your story and be so open. Your family seems lovely and understanding, which is such a gift. I hope the treatment helps. Fingers crossed we hear of positive updates to continue your inspiring story of survival, resilience and openness.

  7. I think all shooters who do either mass or school-type shootings here and heck maybe all killers really, who plan meticulously those kills after their first (I've been told the first one just kinda happens-idk) have ocd of this kind.

  8. Thankyou connor, I have this too, it is very severe at this point. At the moment I don't have help but I am going back to the Dr soon and explaining to them how much I suffer, hopefully he will help me. Mine isn't harm ocd, but more so moral scrupulosity and responsibility ocd. I worry an inaction of mine could be catastrophic, it's horrible, it rips me apart (I ruminated 8 hours today and almost threw up, it was really bad), I wish this illness on nobody.

  9. Please make a follow up video after treatment , it would be so helpful for so many people. Thank you and I hope the treatment works.

  10. This is false memory ocd at its worst. I suffer with the exact same symptoms you have. Please get in contact connor.

  11. I think that looking into ocd and psilocybin research might interest you. "Again please reach out for professional help" is a very good way to start.

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