Kinder Guardians | Who Is America? | Sacha Baron Cohen SHOWTIME Series

[speaking Hebrew]
My name– Colonel Erran Morad.
I am the terrorist terminator.
In America, there is big problem
of shootings in schools.
The NRA want to arm
the teachers.
This is crazy.
They should be arming
the children.
Let’s go!
♪ hard rock music ♪
To get deadly weapons
into the hands
of America’s schoolchildren,
I needed the help of gun-rights
hero Philip Van Cleave.
My next guest
is a gun-rights advocate
who says the Bushmaster
semi-automatic rifle,
the type of rifle
that Adam Lanza
used to kill 20 children
and six more adults,
is “a blast to shoot with.
Guns are fun.
Some of them are much
more cool than others.”
Are you proud
of what you said?
It’s just a fact.
In America, there have been
a lot of shootings in the school
and in the university.
What do the liberals say
is the reason for this
and the solution?
Well, they blame it on guns.
Yeah, it’s crazy,
because people–
They blame it on the guns?
[speaking Hebrew]
Yes, it is.
We start
a program in Israel
for kinder-guardians.
We train them from the age
16 down to the age three.
Yeah, well, I-I think
it would be a-a good idea.
We– We’ve been
pushing something
along this line for years,
but really haven’t gotten
any traction with it.
We were thinking seventh
or eighth grade.
You’re talking
much younger than that.
My son was
in the very first program.
May he rest in peace.
Uh, he died
doing what I love.
Yeah, they haven’t
quite developed, uh,
what we call “conscience,”
where you–
you feel guilty about
doing something wrong.
That’s developing.
You’re learning right and wrong.
If they haven’t
developed that yet,
they could be
very effective soldiers.
This year,
in our state government,
they had a bill put in that
would have made it illegal
for someone four years old
to 12 years old
to have access to a gun.
Oh, we killed–
We killed the bill.
They tried to stop
four-year-old children
from having access
to guns?
Yes. Yes.
What is the logic
that these people come up with?
They just think that children,
uh, can’t handle them.
We want three-year-olds
who are real experts
at what they’re doing,
not three-year-olds
who are reckless.
And we don’t teach
because they call it the
“terrible twos” for a reason.
Yes, there’s a reason.
So, I would like you to help me
do instructional video
for three-year-olds.
♪ whimsical music ♪
[school bell rings]
Shalom, children.
My name Erran Morad.
I here to show you that guns,
when used responsibly,
with training from grown-ups,
can help keep you safe
in your school.
Here to help teach you
is Philip Van Cleave.
Not every strange man
you meet gonna be friendly
and non-threatening like me.
we’re going to teach you
how you can stop
these naughty men
and have them
take a long nap.
That’s right, and that’s
why you’re going to meet
a friend of mine.
His name is Puppy Pistol.
[dog barks]
Now, Philip, will you show us
how to feed Puppy Pistol?
To feed him,
take his lunchbox
and push it into his tummy,
like this.
Just remember to point
Puppy Pistol’s mouth
right at the middle
of the bad man.
If he has a big, fat tummy,
point at that.
[laughs] Great!
It’s fun.
Puppy Pistol is part
of a whole group of new friends
that your parents can get you
called Gunimals.
Wouldn’t you love to meet
this little Gunny Rabbit?
He’s ready to put the naughty
man on a very long time-out.
How about the magical Uzicorn?
Well, this is one for the girls.
It’s a lovely little unicorn
that you can play with.
Dino-Gun can stop
an entire crowd of bad men.
And, tots,
you’ve got to learn
that Dino-Gun eats and spits
his candy really, really fast.
Rocket Ship RPG
will take you to the moon.
Or, rather, the bad guys
are going to the moon,
if they attack your school
with a truckful
of big, scary fireworks.
And introducing BFF,
a starter gun for infants
24 months and under.
BFF is so easy to fire,
even a baby can use it.
BFF wants to help you pull
the string on a bad guy.
Make bang-bang.
♪ whimsical music ♪
[to the tune of “Head,
Shoulders, Knees, and Toes”]
♪ Aim at the head, shoulders ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪
♪ Head, shoulders,
not the toes ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪
♪ Eyes, ears,
and belly and nose ♪
♪ Head, shoulders,
not the toes ♪
♪ Not the toes ♪
[Erran] Now that I had
a common-sense training video,
it was time to take it
to the nation’s capital.
I just arrived
in Washington to see
if someone will back
my kinder-guardians program.
I needed to find politicians
who would fight
for the Second Amendment right
of toddlers
to bear firearms at preschool.
So I met
with lobbyist Larry Pratt,
of Gun Owners of America,
which have
1.5 million brave members.
The evil’s in our hearts,
not in the guns.
Do you think the liberals
are using these school shootings
to further
their anti-tragedy agenda?
They’re trying,
but it’s–
it’s not that hard
to find a student
who does think that way,
because that’s what they’re
being taught in the schools.
We actually found out
that, in schools,
it not only important
to arm the teachers–
important to arm
certain gifted children.
Oh, that’s great.
We train from 16-year-old,
uh, up to four years old.
This segment
of the conversation
absolutely cause heads
to explode
here in this country.
Not all.
Why? Because they will
be shot or…
Because that they’re–
they’re so prejudiced
against young people
having guns,
and especially
in a school.
The only thing that stop
a bad man with a gun
is a good boy with a gun.
Uh, even a good toddler.
A toddler. Really.
The great thing
about toddlers is,
they don’t have
any fear of guns.
This fear is really given
to you by the media.
That’s a good point.
Well, if they hear somebody
shouting, “Allahu Akbar,”
they’re likely to
instinctively go for that gun.
We had one problem
with this.
There was a Muslim gardener
who was praying, and he said,
“Allahu Akbar,”
and he got– He got shot.
Pray in– Pray in secret.
Women need a gun, you know.
My wife, she have a gun.
And she shot me once.
You know, what can I do?
I get horny in the middle
of the night,
but it’s not, uh, rape
if it’s your wife, eh?
[both laugh]
Right? Right?
That probably won’t be
on the video
we send to the Hill.
Oh, no, no, no.
What do I need in order
to introduce this program
into America?
There are
a few members of Congress
that, I think,
would be as receptive
to what you’re doing
as I have been.
I’d be very happy to see
if we could get them interested,
to set some time aside.
Let’s see if we can stop
these anti-gun people
from getting
everyone killed.
Yeah, they’ve got blood
on their hands.
Now that I had
this Pratt on board,
I was welcomed into
the halls of Congress,
where I sat down with
a House representative
and outlined
my common-sense proposal.
Oh, the– the– You want me
to say on television
that I support
three- and four-year-olds
with firearms?
Is that what you’re
asking me to do?
Uh, yes.
You can…
Typically, members of Congress
don’t just hear a story
about a program
and then indicate
whether they support it
or not.
I support
the kinder-guardians program.
We, in America, would be wise
to implement it, too.
It’s something that we should
think about, America,
about putting guns in the hands
of law-abiding citizens,
good guys,
whether they be teachers
or whether they actually be
talented children
or highly trained preschoolers.
Maybe having many young people
trained and understand
how to defend themselves
in their school
might actually
make us safer here.
A three-year-old cannot defend
itself from an assault rifle
by throwing
a Hello Kitty pencil case at it.
Our Founding Fathers
did not put an age limit
on the Second Amendment.
The intensive three-week
kinder-guardian course
specially selected children
from 12 to four years old
to pistols,
rifles, semi-automatics,
and a rudimentary
knowledge of mortars.
In less than a month,
less than a month,
a first grader can become
a first grenader.
Toddlers are pure, uncorrupted
by fake news or homosexuality.
They don’t worry if it’s
politically correct to shoot
a mentally deranged gunman.
They’ll just do it.
The science behind
this program is proven.
At age four,
a child processes images
80% faster than an adult,
meaning that, essentially,
like owls,
they can see in slow-motion.
Children under five
also have elevated levels
of the pheromone Blink-182,
produced by the part of the
liver known as the Rita Ora.
This allows nerve reflexes
to travel along
the Cardi B neural pathway,
to the Wiz Khalifa 40% faster,
saving time and saving lives.
When it comes to the safety
of our children…
The way
to stop bad guy with a gun…
Is a good kid with a gun.
A g-good kid with a gun.
A good child with a gun.
Happy shooting, kids.

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